Capturing Freedom Part Two:
UNCERTAINTY
Being caught in the struggle for control is no way to live. The trap is not an easy one to escape. Getting out would mean releasing the illusion of certainty, accepting the multi-faceted ambiguity of the truth. It's like a sleepwalker waking just before the dawn. What seemed so real moments ago suddenly dissipates. What is real now is a world of shifting shadows, where the darkness beckons and threatens, even as the light grows. Questions abound. Answers are not the point; experiencing the truth of the moment is.
Allowing uncertainty means letting old ways die before the new way is in place. It means going into the shadows, believing the light grows with each discovery. It means going deep into the darkness, finding the place where the seed waits. It means embracing the seed, without knowing what it may become. Allowing uncertainty entails waiting for the surprise, accepting what appears from beyond the realm of individual control.
Uncertainty is the opportunity for discovery. Something occurs that transcends oneself. Little by little the discoveries converge: there are so many seeds waiting for the light! I am not alone.
MOON MAIDEN
All possibility, she muses,
Facing the dark,
Pondering the magic to come.
She feels the movement,
Knows the swirling contrasts.
Her home is the heart of the whirlpool,
For this pregnant moment,
And for its echoes,
Ripples becoming waves.
Now is her time,
For as long as she needs.
She feels the gathering power.
She is ready for the magic
To begin.
LAZARUS
Who will ever know
Where I have been once I
Leave
This way of not being
Behind me
?
How long have I been here
Determined to control
The deadly volcanic forces
Horrified
Since the first eruption
By the destructive power
Sparking
In so many others and
Touching off all too much ferocity
In you
And in me
?
Who am I to have this much
Power
At my beck and call
And with the same breath
Who are you
?
What am I to do if I'm not
Caught
In the never ending battle of the
Titans
Hypnotized as every player is by
Who's on top now
Willing their way
With explosive force
Or its eventuality
However carefully titrated
Through social norms
Is the lava
Flow
That still burns Winners
And Losers
Alike
?
What if I just refuse
To play the game
What if I just let myself be
What if I just leave
Would you consider me
Unknowable
Would that be so different from you
Might we nonetheless
Make contact
The next time our paths cross
After you too have simply
Found your self
Walking out
???
What does consume you
Only if
You fear it
?
COYOTE
Atlas thought of himself as a free spirit
Even as he doggedly tried too hard
To shrug it off
All the weighty trivia he might
Have released but for the gravity
Of the image in the mirror of his mind's eye
Closed as tightly as he could make it
So as not to see
The unbearable importance of everything
He knew he had let down once too often
And had to get back up there
In his grasp
Lest the rusty old chain which tied him to all of it
Would drag him down the mountainside
When it all snowballed out of his control
Which would never happen
Of course not
As long as he held his ground
And didn't tire.
Atlas was always on top of everything
He held up from below
Never getting the joke
Not as long as he didn't fall asleep
Didn't allow his mind's eye
To awaken laughing senselessly
Doubling over with the inescapably
Painful spasms
That curled him into a ball
And sent him rolling on the level ground
Like a pinball gathering energy
With each absurd change of direction
Until he knew
He was careening where he wanted
Cavorting
With the other shooting stars
All loving their moment of joining
In the great cosmic chuckle
Though none of them ever knew
What was so funny.
Atlas would never choose
To wake from the dream in which he was
Clueless and chaos was clever
Not when it was so much fun
To be part of the wacky moment
When the children teach the adults
The meaning of wonder
Giggling as their magic wands
Tap the boulders turning them into bubbles
Which float larger than life
One toward each serious adult
Suddenly absurdly captivated within a capricious sphere
Now lifting each one ever so graciously
Just to the height of their fear of falling
Then bursting
With the laughter
In which the formerly mind-over-matter weighty thinkers
Heartily find themselves
With great relief flowing along
Bubbling and gurgling like the stream
Which prances around the rocks
Enchanting the coyote on the bank
Who's not yet learned
To swim.
SEEDING HUMPTY
No more heights for me
It was the biggest piece speaking
Humbly for a change
Looking wistfully upward
Backward
Longing for the old impudence
Brittle as it was
Holding
All by himself that empty shell
In such perfect balance while
Gazing downward so benignly
On the messy bits and pieces
That fumbled so fiercely
So aimlessly down there
Where he now was
Scrambling
To gather up what he couldn't
Afford to lose
The pieces of his former reassurance
Some of which were sharp
Piercing
His desensitized touch opening
Long forgotten wounds suddenly petrified no longer
Flowing now with painfully living water
Small drops at first splashing
Into the dry dirt
Through which he foraged less
And less frantically
Realizing
In spite of his former self
The softening futility of his once harsh dreams
Carried along as they were
With every melting certainty
Deep into the earth by the deluge
Which now poured from the unreachable heavens
Washing everything
Back into the womb where for the first time
He could ever remember
He began to discover
What it was that held everything in him
At first - and at long last
Ready
To grow again
THE NEW ONE
How long is the easy chair comforting?
How long can predictables last?
How soon does boredom end?
Snug as a bug you sat, ignoring
The telltale signs
As best you could
You thought you would be safe back there
Deep in that turtle shell
Reviewing the videos you projected
Onto the little screen
You thought was so big
You did your best not to notice
Even in the videos
That you were not a turtle
You tried to ignore the urgent voices
From outside
It only sounded like your name
You quickly forgot what you saw
When you couldn't help peeking out
The joy on those faces
The way the colors danced in the sun
The way eyes and hands could meet
The painful longing in your
Heart
Not real
Wisps
The videos reminded you what happens
When you chase fantasies
You stayed put
You must have been sleepwalking
When you left
It could never have been a conscious choice
So proves the fear
That has just now awakened you
Surprise!
Are you aware now
How the fear is turning to
Fascination
Are you seeing the light
In my eyes
Are you feeling the warmth
Of my touch
Are you embracing the wonder of this
Wholly new moment
Is this really me
Out here with
You?
PREBIRTH
Let it go let it die.
The front is falling now:
Brittle dust of the ages,
Armor once shining,
I am not it.
Let it go let it die.
Mourn its passing:
This power to pose alone,
Fatigued metal straining for effect.
I am not it.
Let it go let it die.
My life is not a shield
Against bygone misery.
This metal belongs in the earth:
I am not it.
Let it go let it die.
Sigh. I cannot be what I'm not.
The pretense is passing.
Let it fall. Let it rot.
I am not it.
Let it go let it die.
The structure of eloquence,
Words for effect,
Enshrouding my soul.
The shroud has no whole.
I am not it.
Let it die let me live.
I am willing to be
Whatever it is that I am
When I'm free.
WHITE CROW
Who knows what's set free
With the magic of a caw?
Who dares let it be
When the change may make you raw?
Whispering wings have delicate things
To say;
Darkness of night lets quivers of light
Be strong;
Feathery rasp tears yesterday's gasp
Away:
When you die with your cry
New life becomes your song.
Who gets what's been said
When the tragic meets the flaw?
Who'll release what is dead
When the life force starts to draw?
The closer crow gets the more she becomes
Your dream;
The darker his shadows the clearer their call to
Your soul;
The deeper her flight the less you are as
You seem;
When you live where you long
Your longing to live makes you whole.
Who shouts bold relief
When the spirit is the law?
Who gathers good grief
When today's what you once saw?
LETTING GO
I sat there for a long, long time
way, way up there
high above
trembling
knowing there was no way back up the cliff
and no way to climb down either
trembling
clinging to the cold, clammy
rock
this
grey
wall
of
death
behind
me
I don't know how long it was
that I clung
terrified
cursing my fate
hating myself for getting into such a trap
if only – if only – if only
my heart hammered home
the relentlessly condemning echo
if only – I'd never taken the chance
if only – I'd stayed on that plateau
if only – I hadn't listened
to that loving voice
believing in me
gentling me
assuring me
I'd be at home
in the depths of this pool
so still, so silent, so inviting...
if only – my heart hadn't longed
to search those depths
...
if only – the pool didn't mirror my image
in that strangely other
fascinating way
...
if only – seeing a new one reflected
had not called me
far below
...
if only – I'd never seen the vision
of those depths
if only...if only
but yes it is too late
there is no turning back now
even as I sit here
trembling
my image shimmers so peacefully
in my mind's eye
so silently they call to me
the depths
so quietly I am drawn
through this image and beyond
deep...deep
into who I really am
so peacefully
welcomed into my future
a gentle warmth floods my being
I hear that loving voice
whispering again
you are precious
wonderful
mysterious
beautiful
deep
oh that voice
like a gentle summer's evening breeze
embracing and reassuring
love's voice
whispering trust
let go
you are precious
wonderful
mysterious
beautiful
deep
my heart responds
and I am surprised
at its quiet, restful pulse
surprised
that my fear is gone
amazed
that I am letting go of the ledge
wondering
at the thrill surging through me . . .
as I float
one among many
winged seedlings
falling
so gently
into
our depths
.
.
. . .
ONLY NOW
Where is the one I long to hold?
Too brief our time, too soon too cold!
No warmth, no light, my heart of stone:
So old.
No song from you, no cry, no moan:
Untold.
No bottom to the empty well
I scold.
No sound returns the life which fell.
Where is the one I hold so dear?
Too short our time, too hot my tear.
Below the pit, too far to know:
Not here;
The sheering gnawing will not show.
So clear:
Deserted ember burning dry,
All fear,
Will soon explode and sear the sky.
Where is the one so dear to me?
Too quick our time, so much to be.
The shaking starts, a trembling leaf;
It's me.
And soon the earthquake is my grief,
Now free.
So strange how life returns with pain.
A plea:
Please let this aching start to wane.
Where is the one who soothes my soul?
So rich our time, so full, so whole.
I wander, finding soon, the heart
You stole.
I love! I love. My work of art:
No goal.
It's you in me whene'er I turn
To hold.
Then welling up, I live in you.
All told.
You are the one I'm holding now.
Eternal love, our only vow.