Capturing Freedom Part One:
CONTROL
The loss of innocence is the beginning of the need for control. Whatever the trauma that shatters the original bliss, it must remain unknown. Its devastation is too intolerable. So begins the parade of illusions, with all participants trying to control what happens there. The ensuing power struggle hypnotizes winners and losers. The winners are successful in avoiding trauma, until they become losers. For all who play this fearful game, truth has value only to the extent that it serves the avoidance of the taboo. Self-deception is as common as pretense. Impressions rule perceptions. Darkness shapes the light.
To become aware of the truth in the midst of the control game is a vulnerable moment. It means awakening in the heart of the darkness, seeing clearly with very little light, facing whatever emerges from the shadows. To then let the experiential truth have words is an act of courage. It is to shine a light that the darkness cannot control.
VIBRANT
It is not out there
Not deep inside this place
Where once you lived
There is no darkness
That has lost its feel
For the light
No monstrous threat
Which must never have been
Known
Fear not for what was not
Is not
As well you must know
It is no longer there
Not hidden away
In the tender reaches
Of this space
Where still your knowing
Lives
There is no cry of anguish
Unsounded
No shriek of frozen terror
Lurking
In the silence
Which has never been
Heard
Fear not what is not
As sure as you are
That there is nothing
Here
No raw power shaking these bones
Which must somehow hold me
Together
No petrified buzz sucking
My energy
Nothing diminishing me now
Not within the firm grip
Of what I know
Fear is not
Holding me back at all
I have all the energy I need
To keep myself
From wasting what energy I have
Wondering
What others mean
With their empty talk of feeling
Vibrant
THE CLAW
I am the claw
And time will tell
I'll make your life
A living hell.
My grip is tight, I'm hard and bold;
I hold your heart, your blood runs cold.
That unknown pain within your chest
Is just my strength put to the test.
My nails can scratch your stomach wall,
Doubling pain: you'll learn to crawl.
Acid splash and acid rain:
Ingest the best and feel disdain.
I am the claw
And you shall see
Your life will ooze
With fear of me.
Think every how, think each choice out.
Think till you know who has the clout.
Intense thoughts, as clear as ice,
Place your head within my vice.
I'll turn the screw and force the drain;
Your nose will run with drying brain.
Your heart will pound between your eyes.
The one who cries has no disguise.
I am the claw
And now you know
I crush your mask:
Your shame will show.
Each other whom you seek to please
Will laugh to see me shake your knees.
The love you think you've found is lost:
I make each other count the cost.
I squeeze your boss with failure fear,
I twist your friend to hide the leer.
My grip is on each one you meet.
Spread wide your jaws and eat defeat.
I am the claw.
I rape your hope.
So soft your neck:
I am the rope.
Paranoia, parenthood:
Fear gives birth to what is good!
Feel my talons sinking deep:
You are mine, you're in my keep!
Fear is lifeblood raging strong!
Fear is power to belong!
Fear is steel that can't be bent!
Fear lives on, is never spent!
I am the claw.
You mirror me.
I hold on tight
To show I'm free.
ONCE AGAIN
From the darkness outside your window
I am pointing my finger at you.
Now.
You did that to me!
Hear me!
I am the approaching storm.
You the young sapling you see.
I am twisting and tearing your newest growth
from your branches,
Snapping whatever will not yield to my fury,
Shaking you to your roots,
Loosening the very soil that holds and feeds you.
I want to know
that you know
how you have shattered me.
Violent motherfucker!
I am not your mother.
Halfhuman fatherfucker!
I am not your father.
Yes. I see fear flickering in your eyes!
You see my rage.
I am the dragon's breath, little sapling,
scorching your bark,
exposing your brittle boundary.
You bark no more.
Would you yelp?
I had no help.
Face the pane glass picture window.
I am in the darkness on the other side,
Reflecting back the truth of yourself.
This is you here in the fracturing glass.
Notice the lines of stress,
Cracking and crossing every which way.
piecemealing your image of yourself.
Now.
I am hailing you with hellfire,
Pelting your painful glass,
Shattering your shaky image
As you once did mine;
Scattering the shards
Bits and pieces strewn everywhere,
Crushing and crunching under my bare feet. . . .
No! NO!
Not again.
My pain! My blood! My life!
Running the gauntlet,
the length of your sharp edges.
No more.
Now
I am the supple oak growing with you,
in the midst of the many like us.
Our roots entwine,
Holding the earth which is holding us,
Doubling our strength against the fiercest storm.
Let the winds wail.
We bend.
Let the flood come.
We stand together.
Let fire scorch the earth.
We are waiting together beneath the surface,
Bursting into the springtime,
Running with the sap,
Drinking the sun,
Sheltering the animals,
Once again.
BLIND LOVE
I could not bear to see what I saw.
I refuse to accept what's happening.
NOT NOW. NOT EVER.
My own life force endangers me now,
Fueling your power to destroy me.
I am not here.
I could not change your mind.
We were no match:
I was burning on the inside,
Cold outside.
You were cold on the inside,
And your touch burned like fire.
I felt the pain.
Momentarily.
I saved myself by going numb.
Ever since it takes such tension
To keep myself from exploding!
My destructive power is well hidden.
This must be true of everyone,
Except when they're abusing someone else.
Such is the world I live in:
Dangerous monsters hide inside everyone.
I must be so careful not to incite them.
I'll keep my distance
Until I figure out how to appease them.
Disconnected is safe and easy.
Until I get low on Energy.
I can't trust my own reserves.
I'm too deadened to even know I have them.
Too much unaware how I waste Energy,
Tightening to maintain control.
Where is that one who never abuses?
That one who never disappoints me,
Never hurts me?
That one who is always good enough
And never ends!
How will I know you?
You are in every way different from the monster.
There you are.
Perfect as you are for me.
You are mine.
I am opening wide and filling myself now.
Drinking your magnificent Energy.
You are the Source.
I am absorbing your power.
More. More!
Forevermore!!
You can never be too much.
Only too little too late.
Eventually. Inevitably.
Again.
And again.
The more I try to make you be perfect,
The more I devour you.
And I don't even see what I'm doing.
NOT I
her sand was too quick
for me
and i needed that soft place
to settle down
deep is dark is soothing is cool
i thought
but what can live in the dark
it was too hot
to breathe
breath is too soft a thing anyway
too unprotected
from him
NOT I
like him
his rock never rolled
unless
someone was in his way
but i needed to be like him
and rolled
the wrong way
boulder than a pebble was he
then i was sand
again
until i hardened
in her depths
and rolled
away once more
searching for him
not alone
NOT I
STILL ALIVE
How stiffly they march
The children of loss
Single as they
File
Their way
Alone
Into the slots
They mistake for mirrors
How unyielding their stance
These orphans with no past
As they hoard their
Cubicle
In the mausoleum
Built
By their own judgments
Against
The present
How unspoken the curse
Of the sons and daughters of trauma
As they drive others
Away
And lose themselves
Withholding
The words
Too little too late
Too much too fast
Never again
No more
How solid the seal
On the deadly cocoon
Where the wounded ones
Melting inside
Feed themselves
Hoping one day to be found
Still alive
STORMY WEATHER
What a storm! Fierce and relentless!
But not endless.
This was the hope to which she clung,
Along with the well worn pillow.
Molding comfort,
Holding the secret of refuge,
From the storm within.
Even the greatest trees bend their branches,
Yielding to the destructive power
In the once nourishing air;
Straining to let the fury have its way
Without snapping something too precious.
Betrayal passes.
Dependably lifegiving water
Now pelting the delicate skin,
Thrashing the leaves,
Tearing away the least flexible,
Leaving trembling in the survivors.
She drew a deep breath
And released a staccato sigh
Into the welcoming softness.
I'm breathing through it.
She knew how.
Even now.
Even as the light turned traitor.
Steady savior from the dark's demons,
Always banishing the fear,
Now searing the sky.
Angry shaft of a mighty god,
Blasting the tree
Whose strength she revered.
She closed her eyes.
Her own waters began to flow,
Building gently.
Her first sob released the storm.
She wailed,
Raging gusts of fury.
Her pillow absorbed it all.
No-one was harmed
This time.
She was never a traitor.
Just naturally true to herself.
When the storm ends, she gathers the acorns,
Planting them in reverence to the spirit of this tree.
A knowing smile soothes her face
As each acorn finds its home in the ground.
Spirit is indestructible.
The words are her own.