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FORGIVENESS
How Undeserved Mercy Heals The World

FORGIVENESS IS NOT . . .
... is not acquittal of nor capitulation to the perpetrator
... is not denying what happened, nor the hurt, nor the anger
... is not saying what happened is right or wrong
... is not trusting the other (trust is earned)
... is not an invitation to repetition of the hurt
... is not naive about future danger (safety precautions)
... is not reconciliation (which is a two way street)
... is not deserved, not earned, not dependent upon repentance
... is not weakness

 

FORGIVENESS IS . . .
... an act of strength, of resilience (I'm not easily crushed)
... an act of individuation (I define myself: you don't)
... an act of self-love (bitterness is poisonous, self-destructive)
... an act of equality (I'm as big & strong as you)
... an act of free choice (I decide how close to be with you)
... an act of acceptance (what happened, happened)
... an act of faith: someone who loves me can hurt me; love endures
... an act of love for the other
... an opportunity for connection, healing, reconciliation
... release from the revenge game (grudge wars, feud)

 

HOW TO NOT FORGIVE . . .
... either/or thinking (all or none: You did it and it can't be undone.)
... cutoffs (resentful distancing: I don't need you anyway.)
... overattachment (set up: I'm nothing without you.)
... wanting to hurt someone (Just give me a reason...You asked for it!)
... repulsion (harsh judging others: How pathetic can you get!)
... resistance to caring (Don't be a sucker: Everybody's a user.)
... envy (Why do you always get all the breaks!)
... powerlessness (There's nothing I can do about it.)
... shame/guilt (I always get what I deserve.)
... stay angry to be safe (Nobody will ever hurt me again.)
... deny the offense (No big deal.  Forget about it.)

Read all about it!  HOW TO FORGIVE WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW. 
Jacqui Bishop & Mary Grunte.  Station Hill Press, 1993.

           HOW TO FORGIVE
                    REMEMBERING & LETTING GO
                                       a worksheet
STEPS:
1. DESCRIBE THE INJURY (What happened? How did it (does it) hurt?)

2. FACE THE FEAR (In what future situations am I predicting danger?)

3. HONOR THE ANGER

    Accept the impulses in fantasy: What do I feel like doing? 

    Safely vent. 

    Tell whomever I need to tell.

    Set limits, take precautions to ensure future safety.)

4. FEEL THE SADNESS (What has been lost? How do I feel if I accept the loss?
How and with whom do I grieve this loss?)

5. CHALLENGE BELIEFS (What beliefs have I created about the perpetrator,
others like him/her, certain similar situations?  What beliefs have I created about myself? How realistic are these beliefs?)

6. WHY FORGIVE? (What is the cost to me of not forgiving? (bitterness, isolation,
health, energy, fun, strength, freedom, self-esteem)  What might I gain by choosing to forgive?  Imagine my life a few months down the road, with and without forgiving.

7. FORGIVE.

    Remember/visualize what happened. 

    Remember/gather all the consequences. 

    Confirm the learnings, the new choices.

    Breathe out, letting the injury go into the past: "It's over now.

    Breathe in, claiming your resolve: "I am renewed."
    

FORGIVENESS
         Necessary conditions …
                  Steps in a process …
                           Moments in a mystery …

  1. divine gift : you discover forgiveness happening inside you
  2. conscious choice : at some point, you have to want to forgive
  3. process over time : trust your experience, can’t force forgiveness
  4. compassionate connections : retell the story to receptive others
  5. communal support : be nurtured in the safe relationships you have
  6. emotional honesty : fear, anger, hurt need to be resolved
  7. meaningful refusal : accept the reasons for not forgiving
  8. empathic understanding : appreciate the offender’s experience
  9. valuing the relationship : the more you do, the more you forgive
  10. owning your shadow : acknowledge and love the offender inside you
  11. forgiving oneself : accept and release your own shame and guilt
  12. relationship to suffering / evil : identify the meaning you ascribe
  13. recurrence & safety : how to feel safe & know hurt will come again
  14. exploring echoes : other past hurts may be reactivated
  15. commitment to growth : willingness to let go, die, and be reborn

Forgiveness is … (What’s your definition?)

 

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