A. The Illusion of Control

How much do I believe that:
          Others value me only to the extent that I have everything under control?
          I value myself only to the extent I have everything under control?

What if the need for control is a setup?
          What if the more I try to control my value, the more I place it in jeopardy?

What if attempted control undermines self-worth?

THE PITFALLS OF CONTROL

MY VALUE DROPS WHEN:
1. I Have to Make Something Happen. How can I get it all under control?

Control: the ability to predict the outcomes of a choice; a self-defeating mindset.
The problem with control is that it is all or none: as soon as I notice something out of control, I’m no longer in control. This leads to the dilemmas of over-control:
Too Big Will Fail: I try to control too much too fast and I can’t.
Too Small Will Fizzle: I try to control too little and it’s not worth the effort.
Too Sudden Will Fall: I try to control without careful consideration.
Too Hesitant Will Freeze: I try to control what is already over.

Action Step: Look back daily over experiences and identifying as clearly as I can what it is that I was trying to control. Reflect on and distill these perceptions over time. Are there triggers to my need for control? What do I really ever control?

MY VALUE DROPS WHEN:
2. Out of Sight is Out of Mind. How much can I keep out of my mind until I am just that?

Avoidance: allowing myself to notice only what I believe I can control.
The backlog of unaddressed information creates a buzz in the background. I’m missing something important! How long till what I don’t know commands my attention, and I’m out of control?

Action Step: Spend a little time at the end of the day returning to experiences, slowing them down, and paying attention to what I did not initially allow myself to notice. What difference might this knowledge make?

MY VALUE DROPS WHEN:
3. My Body is Losing Fluidity. How tight a grip on myself can I stand to have?

Tension: tightening muscles to block the awareness of uncomfortable feelings.
The more often and the more fully overwhelmed I am, the more I generate tension to hold back what I can’t afford to deal with at the moment. The more prolonged this method of coping, the more chronic the tension becomes.

Action Step: Explore therapeutic massage, meditation, hot baths, or relaxation training in order to rediscover how a relaxed body feels. Develop regular routines for releasing the accumulated tension.

MY VALUE DROPS WHEN:
4. Something Bad is About to Happen … How desperately driven can I afford to be?

Anxiety: the belief that I must control what I know I can’t.
The more I rely on control, the more anxious I become.
I Have to But I Can’t: Things are about to fall apart and I have to prevent it – but I can’t!
The more I require control, the more I notice what is out of my control, the more inevitable is my loss of control.

Action Step: Learn breath meditation. Inhale deeply, welcoming all that I am receiving. Exhale fully, releasing all the tension, toxins, and worries. Ten minutes a day, three times a day: “Receiving” (breathing in), “Releasing” (breathing out). Breathe in. Breathe out. Start over.

MY VALUE DROPS WHEN:
5. Everything Happens To Me. I’m at the mercy of events.

Depression: the loss of belief in my ability to influence outcomes.
Something terrible keeps happening and there is nothing I can do.
The more I rely on control, the more I get convinced I am doomed to fail. My powerlessness lurks in the shadows. The darkness waits to claim me.

Action Step: Develop an open list of the things I enjoy. Do at least one every day. Track my self-defeating thoughts. Replace them with what I have enjoyed or intend to enjoy.

MY VALUE DROPS WHEN:
6. The Sure Thing Fixes Everything. What do I repeat to make bad feelings go away?

Addiction: the self-defeating habit of pretending to be in control of what is controlling me.
What is my fix to make the anxiety/depression go away: alcohol, drugs, food, sex, muscular definition, physical power, skill, power over others, attractiveness, making money, spending money, winning while others lose, outsmarting others, getting my way, playing games, surfing the net, social networking?

Action Step: What are the activities that I have trouble deciding not to do? When the urge comes to do one, postpone for as long as I can while paying attention to and writing about what is happening in the meantime inside myself. Talk to someone about this.

Stop thinking about controlling outcomes:
start thinking about influencing them with my choices.

B. The Dignity of Choice

THE KEYS TO LASTING SELF-WORTH

I VALUE MYSELF WHEN:
1. I Know What I Want. This is the source of my energy to go for it!

Intention: the consciously desired outcome of a choice.
I know what I want to happen.

Action Step: Look back over my day, tracking the choices I made. Identify as clearly as I can what I wanted to happen as a result of each choice.

I VALUE MYSELF WHEN:
2. I Am Doing What I Want. My progress toward my goal is clear to me.

Confidence: faithful, flexible intention, detached from outcome.
I am doing what it takes to get what I want. I am making progress.

Action Step: Track the progress I make on one of my important goals. Notice and enjoy every step, no matter how small, that moves me forward.

I VALUE MYSELF WHEN:
3. This Outcome is Not What I Want. I need to make adjustments.

Mistake: the mismatch between intention and outcome.
I am learning by paying attention to what happens as a result of my choices.

Action Step: Acknowledge the mistake. Soon thereafter claim some time to sit quietly with myself and ask what there is for me to learn from it.

I VALUE MYSELF WHEN:
4. I Am Finding a Better Way. I keep learning how to improve my choices.

Flexibility: the openness to learning what is worth wanting and how to get it.
I consider what I need to do differently to be faithful to or revise my intention.

Action Step: When I am frustrated with my progress toward a goal, pull back from the activity to reflect: is there a better way to do this? Is there a way to revise the goal? Do I need to shift to a more important and doable goal?

I VALUE MYSELF WHEN:
5. I Will Not Be Held Back. I am confronting every obstacle.

Passion: I test the limits because what I want is so important to me.
I am determined to find a way to accomplish my goal.

Action Step: Identify what is holding me back, on the inside. Clarify what is getting in the way on the outside. Find a way to deal with both of these.

I VALUE MYSELF WHEN:
6. I Own It. I respond to what happens as a consequence of my choice.

Responsibility: ownership of the outcome of a choice (including mistakes).
Whatever the consequence, I face up to it, and stay true to my intention.

Action Step: When I notice for myself, or someone else calls me on, something happening as a result of my actions that is not what I intended, I accept responsibility. I do what is necessary to resolve the situation in a way that is true to what I really want.

I VALUE MYSELF WHEN:
7. I Am Who I Say I Am. My choices tell me – and you – who I am.

Authenticity: the valid outcome of every choice: saying who I am.
I am accepting myself and genuinely letting myself be seen.

Action Step: Daily, look back over my choices and answer the question: What did this choice say about me?

I VALUE MYSELF WHEN:
8. I Want It All. I make the choices that continue to expand my horizons.

Inclusivity: adding more and more value to what it is that I want.
I am balancing multiple priorities to honor many important values.

Action Step: Pay close attention when conflict arises regarding a choice: if it appears to be either/or, accept the challenge of finding a way to let it be both/and.

C. What Really Matters?

THE HUMAN SPIRIT

I LOVE LIFE WHEN:
1. I Am Here Now. I am in the reality of the present, not in the idea of the past or future.

Presence: I love life when I am breathing with awareness of what is happening, and choosing my response (awareness and choice).

Action Step: Learn the practice of mindfulness meditation.

I LOVE LIFE WHEN:
2. I Make Things Better. I improve life for myself and for those who matter to me.

Wellness: I love life when my prime directive is pleasure lasting, pain passing, for all about whom I care.

Action Step: Monitor which actions of myself and of others lead to pleasure lasting and pain passing. Learn to trust these actions.

I LOVE LIFE WHEN:
3. I Change What is Worth the Cost of Changing.

Resolve: I love life when I am dedicated to what I want – as long as the benefit is worth the cost.

Action Step: Track and prioritize different actions according to their benefits. Learn to identify which values are worth the greatest cost – and which are not.

I LOVE LIFE WHEN:
4. I Let Go What is Not Worth the Cost.

Surrender: I love life when I face and accept my own limits.
The solution to anxiety, addiction, depression is surrendering the illusion of control.
How do I know when it’s not worth it? How do I stop when the cost is too high?

Action Step: Find an accountability partner to help me in being honest with myself about the cost to myself and others of any of my behaviors.

I LOVE LIFE WHEN:
5. I Welcome What is Given.

Grace: I love life when I welcome what comes to me from outside myself, without being earned.
It is not up to me to make happen everything that is worthwhile.
The power is never your own; only something flowing through you.

Action Step: End each day by acknowledging, with gratitude, the good fortune that has come my way without being earned.

I LOVE LIFE WHEN:
6. I Am a Part of A Greater Whole.

Participation: I love life when I am making my contribution to something greater than myself.
The more I let go of the need to control, the more difference I may make in the world, and the less I may know what it is.

Action Step: invest myself in being a part of a group, team, or community that is dedicated to making the world a better place.

The Grand Paradox:
the more value, the less control.
The more something really matters, the less I can pretend to control it.

The only control I ever have is what I choose to do in this precious
present moment. All other control is an illusion.

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